The Choice is Ours 

by Mike Berlin

Some of us were taught when we were young by our parents and others that to receive love, we had to give people what they wanted. If they got what they wanted, then they would be happy with us and give us love, praise and closeness. Conversely, if we did anything that displeased our parents or others, then they would generally get angry and/or withdraw their love and attention. 

This led to a cycle of self-neglect as we looked to others for clues on how to please and appease them. 

The problem with this learned behavior is that when we abandon ourselves, we never learn how to authentically be ourselves and/or authentically receive others to create deep joy, fulfillment and connection with others. Deep inside, a feeling of fear grows until we mostly live in a state of fear, subconsciously knowing that we are faking our way through a life we don’t recognize and without the joyful and fulfilling relationships that we want. We eventually manage our inner sadness with addictive and/or controlling behaviors. 

We adopt controlling behaviors because we don’t trust ourselves, others or life to create the intimate and fulfilling life we want. We control by being aggressive/in-charge, being too passive, controlling conversations, having to be “right” and being secretive and/or judgmental. We find ourselves overeating and/or addicted to substances or relationships, sex, phones/computers, TV, working out, success and more, all to help us try to find some pleasure to balance out our inward feelings of loss. 

But we can choose to live from a state of love and trust rather than a state of fear and mistrust. It is possible to find freedom while learning to transform pain and stress into deep inner peace, connection and courageous authenticity. When we learn to live from our authentic, eternal self and connect to our innate wisdom, we can discover and love who we uniquely are. Freeing ourselves from the past and honoring our authentic talents, values and abilities will allow us to create the intimate and exciting life that we have always dreamed of.